my self-love to true love hypothesis

This week, I had a number of conversations with a few of my friends that inspired this post. Our conversations were about love. The positives, the negatives, the in-betweens.

For those of you who might not know, I’ve been dating my boyfriend Connor for almost two years. We met the second day of our freshman year of college. He liked me for two years. It took me two years to get my act together and give him a chance. He is my third boyfriend, but my second long-term relationship.

Honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone like him, let alone find someone who loves me as much as he does. He reminds me every day that I am worthy of love. He tells me I’m beautiful, inside and out, every day of the week. He celebrates my achievements, but also sits beside me as I mourn my losses. He is everything that I imagined for myself when I was a little girl.

And just like that, he walked into my life when I least expected it.

Love is a funny thing. We all want to be loved, and we all have the capacity to love others. I spent most of my adolescent and young adult years pining for that love that seemingly only existed in 90’s rom-coms. I’ve watched my friends (and myself) struggle to maintain relationships with emotionally unavailable, confused, or immature men or women.

I’ve watched myself learn to effectively communicate with my romantic partners. I’ve learned to swallow my pride for those I love and push aside my ego. I’ve seen my friends do the same.

Love isn’t perfect. True love is messy, especially once you find it. You need to re-teach yourself how to factor someone else into your life — it’s not necessarily always about you.

So what’s my point?

To an extent, love actually is all about you. To be more specific, real love is all about how you love yourself.

Let’s flash back to Cassie, circa November 2019. A scary time, to be quite honest.

I had finally adjusted into college life at Holy Cross. I was heartbroken from the official end of my high school relationship, aimlessly searching for any male validation I could find. The person I had based my entire life off of for 2 years was gone in a split second, and honestly, I was embarrassed.

The rest of my freshman and sophomore years were filled with soul searching. Corny, I know — but it’s the truth. I figured out what I was interested in, and picked out a major. I applied to internships. I surrounded myself with strong, beautiful women. Women that I am now fortunate enough to call my best friends. I worked, I studied, I reflected. I asked myself lots of questions.

Who am I? Am I someone that I am happy with?

Those two years were some of the hardest of my life. It took a lot of work, but by my sophomore year spring, I finally felt comfortable with the new woman I taught myself to become.

She was confident in herself, and knew that her worth was not based on anyone else’s approval. She liked “girly” things, like doing her makeup for fun at 9pm, and wandering around Goodwill for hours in search of some stylish finds. She was strong, and liked going to SoulCycle classes once in awhile. But more importantly, she was happy.

I went from being a girl, to being a woman. More importantly, I became a woman that I was incredibly confident with (most of the time). That’s the thing about learning to love yourself — the trajectory is never a straight line.

Even now, there are days where my anxiety kicks in and I freak out over something I said in class. Some days, I’ll be at the Jo and see another girl absolutely demolishing her workout, and I can’t help but wonder if I could also do that if I cared more about taming my thunder thighs.

Self-love is necessary in order to find a real love. How can you truly love someone else if you can barely love yourself? Why is it hard for you to smother yourself with compliments and affirmations, just as you might with someone you’ve dated for a couple months?

The last month of sophomore year, I finally gave in. Connor and I finally went on a date. While he’s known me since freshman year, the girl he took on a date that night was not the same girl he met in Dinand 2 years earlier. He was with a girl who finally convinced herself that she deserves love and happiness.

While there are probably a plethora of things that have contributed to the success of our relationship, there is one thing about ours that is different than those of my past. I truly believe that I am secure in myself, in addition to being secure in our relationship. Without the first part, I don’t think you can ever truly achieve the second.

I believe that the love that is meant for you will present itself the second you truly become in-tune with who you are. More importantly, comfortable with who you are.

Again, not trying to say we’re all out here looking for the love of our lives — this isn’t Sex and the City. This is real life, and real people want to be single!

So back to my inspiration for this post. My roommate posed this question: If you were ever single again, do you think you’d be okay with it? Do you think you’d be happy?

I looked at her and said yes. She said yes too. I love Connor, she loves her boyfriend. We are happy, content, grateful. However, if there was ever a day where those relationships weren’t there anymore, I don’t think I’d automatically revert back to the unconfident, scared girl I was four years ago. She said the same.

Why? Because all it takes is some love, not just for someone else, but more importantly, for you.