the art of softening

Wow. How is it 2025?

I understand I am accepting this fact a few weeks too late, thanks to a fun-filled break spent with family, friends, and endless glasses of champagne. However, on this chilly Saturday cooped up in my New York apartment, I decided to do some self reflection and figure out my goals for 2025.

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t like the idea of “resolutions.” Year after year, I tend to come up with a list of pretty unrealistic goals that I usually bail on within the first three months of the year. Instead, I like to come up with mindsets - loose ways of thinking that I will try to use as I navigate my life in 2025.

Like most twenty-something year old girls, some of those “mindsets” are pretty stereotypical. For example, I am trying to work on balance. Balance in my eating, my work life, my physical activity, my mental health. Another one of my goals is to write more, because apparently people actually like to read whatever word vomit I type onto this computer, which is wild to me? But hey, thanks guys!

Anyway, back to my main point.

One of the main mindsets I am trying to instill in the new year is the art of softening. This is a term I came up with over the holiday break - and yes, I know it sounds a little subjective, but let me explain.

As you grow older, something you start to realize is that a lot of the things you used to curse and sigh and grind your teeth over, simply aren’t worth it anymore. My teenage angst and female rage was often an outlet that I used to make myself feel better about things I thought I couldn’t control. Holding a grudge over a disagreement with a friend, fighting back when my parents actually “parented” me (which at the time I didn’t appreciate), or silently cursing at my professor over bad grade on an exam I thought I deserved a better grade on.

What I’ve come to realize is that, sometimes, it is simply better to take a deep breath and melt the ice that you let freeze over a situation or harden your heart.

Let me give you a few examples.

One night during the holiday break, I was driving home with my parents and sister from a family gathering. At one point in the drive, “Here with me” by the Killers (an underrated Killers song may I add. Please listen.) was blasting on the radio. We were all singing the chorus at the top of our lungs. My Mom smiled at me from the seat next to mine and pulled my hand into hers. My sister was laughing about something with my Dad in the front seat. While it may seem like I am simply describing a wholesome family moment, it was a big deal to me.

Looking around at my family, I realized that sometimes it is okay to let go, and accept happy times for what they are. I have this tendency to let the past rule my existence (another thing I am working on in 2025) causing simple, happy moments to darken.

Like every normal adolescent girl, I would bicker with my parents about a lot of things. Once I grew, and my frontal lobe began to develop, I held a grudge against them for the way they raised me. For not letting me be as independent as I wanted to, putting pressure on me to do well in school, getting the best job I could after graduation, and a handful of other completely normal parental things. But in the mind of a teenage girl, this was way too much pressure. Why couldn’t they just let me figure things out on my own? Why did I feel like I was carrying the world on my shoulders just to make them happy?

I held onto this grudge in my early college years. It wasn’t until I began going to therapy in 2021, that I began to do some reflection on these dynamics and ask myself some very necessary questions.

Really, what good is this doing for me?

Why do we harden ourselves and hold grudges when all it does is exhaust us and ruin joyful moments?

Don’t get me wrong - protecting your peace from negativity can be necessary. I would be a hypocrite if I said I haven’t done that myself.

However, as I go into this year, I want to do a better job of softening. Letting go of past grudges and tension that bring me unnecessary stress. Doing a better job of giving grace to others, even those who might not deserve it. When my anger or pent up issues come creeping in, I want to take a step back and breathe. I want to recognize that there is a firm difference between letting other people or situations walk all over over you and rule your life, versus knowing when to forgive and let go of something that isn’t worth your time or energy anymore.

Sometimes the best thing to do is flash a smile and kill with kindness. Remind yourself that everyone is human, and it is okay to let things go if it is preventing you from living the best version of your life. Walking around all day, cursing those who had once wronged you, isn’t benefitting you, as much as it might feel better in the moment.

I want this year to be peaceful. I want 2025 to be filled with smiles, happy tears, apologies (to others and from others), and hugs.

I know there may be some people who disagree with my newfound mantra, and that is totally okay. Getting to this point took me a very long time, and a lot of work. And hey, to each their own.

I just hope that maybe this post makes you reflect on the things you aren’t “soft enough” to do yet. Maybe it will give you the courage to text that person you haven’t spoken to in awhile because too much time has passed or you’re too worried about whether or not they’ll respond. I hope that this post makes you text your parents telling them that you love them, and you’re grateful for the good and the bad days you’ve had. Or that tomorrow, you’ll walk into your job with your head held high, and push through the day for the sake of your own growth, even if the odds feel like they are against you. I hope you’ll smile at your annoying boss or coworkers and just let go.

Whatever may have frozen your heart over, I hope you choose to soften, just like me.